Building Self-Trust in Motherhood

What is Self-trust?

Self-trust is the ability to know and honor one's values. It is the inherent belief in one's ability to follow through on commitments and areas of importance. It starts with self-awareness and builds from there towards action. We must know our values in order to stick to them. We must know our capacity in order to make commitments. We must know our strengths and our limits, and plot out our path in life accordingly.

How does childhood trauma impact self-trust?

As a therapist who specializes in working with moms who have experienced their own childhood trauma, I have seen first-hand the many ways that self-trust can be effected by unsafe or unstable home environments. When a child must stay on high-alert to monitor the adults around them in attempt to stay safe, the child can lose connection with their own internal experiences. When an outward orientation becomes the default, a child grows into adulthood without the degree of internal awareness that can be helpful in building self-trust.

Additionally, emotionally unsafe home environments often involve a high degree of invalidation. A child is told their emotions are too much, or simply unacceptance. A child is blamed for the behaviors of adults, eroding the child's sense of self-worth. How can a child grow into adulthood ready to take confident action when they have been told their thoughts and emotions are invalid?

Self-trust in Cycle-breaking moms

Cycle-breaking moms often hold themselves to a high standard, but often don't feel trusting in their ability to uphold that standard. They may question their judgment, or chastise themselves endlessly for their mistakes.

Self-trust is often the glue that holds a mother to the reassuring notion that she is doing the best she can and that this is enough. Self-trust is an anchor to come back to, a sense of knowing one's values as a mother and feeling confident in the ability to stay true to them. Self-trust also guides us back from mistakes. Self-trust says, "it's okay, you can always start fresh tomorrow."

As a cycle-breaking mom, how can I build self-trust?

• Practice attuning to your own internal experiences (sensations, thoughts, feelings). Knowing ourselves is the foundation for trusting ourselves.

  
  

• Practice noticing your capacity day-to-day and adjust your expectations accordingly. Some days we survive and others we thrive.

  
  

• Take note of the moments when you act in accordance with your values (truly, make a list!)

  
  

• Practice the art of the pause - in stressful moments, allow yourself time to breathe and soothe yourself before you react or respond. (Easier said than done, I know!)

  
  

• When you make a mistake, dose your accountability with a heavy serving of compassion. Beating yourself up every time you act in a way that doesn't align with your values envelops you further in a shame-based cycle. Self-compassion is the way out. This can look like a simple message to self: "I really don't like how I reacted today. I will do better tomorrow. Everyone makes mistakes, and I must have been really struggling today to react that way."

How Can I Help?

In my work as a licensed therapist for cycle-breaking moms in California and Washington, it's my honor to help moms cultivate self-trust through non-judgmental support. Our work together might include the following (depending on your unique needs and interests):

• Mindfulness and somatic-based practices to help you come home to yourself and feel peaceful in your own body and mind.

• Exploration of the values you hold dear and the life you want to create for yourself, your children, and your family.

• Personal goal-setting that truly meets you where you are and offers you a roadmap for successful follow-through.

• Tools for everyday coping. You carry a lot and self-care needs to be meaningful, not just another to-do list item.

• Trauma processing to help heal your wounds from the past so you can be more present and responsive to the here-and-now.

• A kind and gentle space to notice patterns, challenge the inner critic, and cultivate a calm and confident YOU.