The Cycle-Breaker and the Inner Critic

Andrea Freeman, LICSW provides individual therapy to adult clients in Lacey, WA and online throughout Washington and California. Andrea serves adult survivors of childhood trauma, mothers in the perinatal phase, and parents working to break cycles of generational trauma.

The term 'cycle-breaker' is a powerful use of language that invokes a sense of pride. As it should.

However, the pressure to parent differently than you were parented, without a map or blueprint, can be tremendous, even when it's coming solely from within. I get it. The desire for your kids to never know the suffering you experienced is huge. You want them to know their worth, feel safe at home, and know that you have their back no matter what.

The inner critic of a cycle-breaking parent is often trying to help. It wants you do succeed in your goals as a parent. It wants to protect you from falling short, or inadvertantly causing harm. While this is admirable, and we can thank that inner critic for its service, it is ultimately unhelpful. We tend to believe that we need this kind of harsh inner guidance to keep us on track with its broken record of dire warnings and shoulds.

The inner critic will have us believe that one evening where we lose our patience over a homework battle will destroy our child's trust in us indefinitely. It'll whisper prophesies about a future where our child doesn't speak to us at all if we don't get this parenting gig just right. It may even wish to weigh in on our decisions on whether or not to work outside of the home, or whether it is permissable to have our own hobbies and friendships. No matter the exact message, the theme if pretty much the same: get it right, or else.

This prompts the question: Is it possible to hold ourselves to high standards as parents without succumbing to the harsh and shaming tone of the inner critic? Personally, my answer is a resounding yes. However, I don't think this is easy. Not many of us have the experience of being coached towards a goal with both compassion and accountability. Especially for parents with a history of developmental trauma, it's so common to carry stories of being harshly shamed or punished for not meeting a parent's (often self-serving) expectations. Getting a low grade. Not making the team. Breathing wrong. Forgetting a dish in the sink. The list is endless. Our harshest critic during our formative years often becomes the internal voice that follows us into adulthood, including into our own parenting journey.

Paradoxically, if we can contend with our own inner critic, get curious about its motives and soften its tone, we can actually be more effective as cycle-breaking parents. Hear me out. We might feel that letting go of our inner critic is dangerous. After all, it has been a steady companion for quite some time and has even helped us avoid failure and external criticism. But if we don't get critical about our inner critic, we might then impose its will upon our own kids. Imagine this: your child comes home and tells you that they got in trouble for talking in class. An inner citic might leap to lecturing or punishing. It wants so badly to avoid any negative outcomes for your child, because your own inner child still feels the fear around gaining disapproval. But if we can notice the urge to lecture or punish rise up inside us, put it aside, and get curious, we have the potential to be much more effective. We might engage with more openness towards our child: Let's chat some more about that.Who were you talking to? Was it hard to wait until recess to share with your friend? I can understand that and thank you for telling me. You might proceed here with some coaching or collaborative problem solving around how to better direct those talking impulses in the future, or if this is the first instance, you might just let this exploration be the intervention in itself. (This is not meant as a script or exact how-to, but only as one example of how you might approach a similar situation without letting your inner critic impose itself on your child).

We Are Our Own Mapmakers

Parenting is harder when you don't have a good example to follow, but that doesn't mean we are totally without direction or guidance. Addressing our inner critics can help our inner worlds be more aligned with the values we hold dear as parents. Compassion can serve as our north star for how we treat both ourselves and our kids

It can be helpful to see if we can start catching our inner critic in action in real time. For example, when we start to hear the daily inner monologue chastising us for not vacuuming enough, or forgetting to fold the clothes, or scrolling on our phones too much, or whatever else your inner critic likes to take issue with, we can do this:

• Notice: My inner critic has entered the chat (You can even call it a name: Susie, Bob, Dracula - you pick)

• Get curious and validate the inner critic's perspective:

  • "I hear you, it feels scary to fall behind on tasks."

  • "Oh yes, this is a moment when my parent would have been livid. It's no wonder this is bringing something up for me."

  • I'm having the thought that this situation is really serious and needs immediate action. I must be reacting this way for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense to me yet.

• Be with and feel. This is where the rich work takes place, but it's probably the hardest part. Most of us live in the land of thinking, and try our hardest to avoid the land of feeling. But if we can be with whatever emotions, body sensations, or memories that arise along with the inner critic, we give ourselves the opportunity to offer a witness to our own wounds and explore what might be really going on beneath our reaction to the present moment. Note: Having support from a therapist or other trusted party can be really important in this phase, so that we have guidance on how to touch these inner experiences slowly and safely.

• Update our inner critic. This is where, after acknowledging its good intentions, we offer the inner critic a backseat while we offer the wheel to the kind and accountable inner voice.

  • The Kind and Accountable Inner Voice might sound like:

    • "I can take care of the dishes that we'll need for breakfast tomorrow, but it's okay to prioritize other things and leave some in the sink."

    • "It makes sense I'm concerned about Bobby's behaviors at school, but I can only control so much. I'll have a talk with him and see if that helps. I can seek extra help if I need it."

    • "I really lost my patience tonight. I think my exhaustion played a role. I'll let Sammy know that my reaction was not their fault and that I'm sorry for speaking in a harsh tone. I'll get some extra sleep tonight to set myself up for a better day tomorrow."

The Most Challenging Path Can Often Be the Most Meaningful

When our inner critic is part of our default mode network (our brain's automatic responses formed through many years of repetition), it takes time for any of this to start to feel natural. I hear from many clients that working with the inner critic feels almost counterproductive because their inner critic has seemingly been so helpful in giving them the push to achieve goals and get things done. There is a truth to this! The inner critic has been helpful in many ways. The problem is that it also perpetuates the cycles of dismissal, harshness, and rigidity that many cycle-breakers are hoping to interrupt.

Just as our kids deserve more compassion and understanding, so do we.

From one cycle-breaking parent to another, you matter. Your efforts matter. We got this.

If you're interested in learning more about how I can support you in this process, please reach out here for a free chat!